I've been examined by countless doctors, have scoured scores of medical journals, read advice columns, discussed it with friends. To no avail. Now however thanks to Dr. Oz, I can finally put a name to what's been ailing me since, - forever. There's a valid reason as to why I'm a couch-potato. I Am A NEAT-O-PHOBE! I have NEAT-0-PHOBIA! Thank you Dr. Oz! You've rescued me from a lifetime of 'sedentary starvation.'
NEAT is the acronym for non-exercise activity thermogenesis, and refers to any kind of movement, even if it's just standing up or walking around a few hours a day. Sometimes, I'm incapable of moving around, or being too mobile. It's like I'm rooted to my seat and cannot move. Now I understand why I've always been a couch potato. I understand why I couldn't tear myself away from the television. Why I developed spurs on my butt from occupying the computer chair for ours on end. Why the thought of vacations, and cable interruptions sent me into a downward spiral. I'm not lazy! I'm not anti-social! I'm not a procrastinator! I'm sick, I have an illness, a phobia. I'VE GOT NEAT-O-PHOBIA you moron!
Now that I know what the problem is, I need to examine its origins. Is it contagious? How did I contract it, or is it genetic? Was I born this way? Come to think of it, my grandmother used to sit in her rocking chair for hours at the time. I always chalked it up to advanced age. Perhaps I need to reconsider. Maybe she wasn't just old, she too might have been afflicted with NEAT-O-PHOBIA.
Just goes to show, you never know. Wonder if there's a support group for this? Hmmm.....